The Taboos We Can’t Discuss, Or Why Consent is Not a Conversation

Recent advice columns have highlighted the discomfort many people feel when discussing aspects of intimacy that make them uncomfortable. Two topics have surfaced: small penises and sex toys in casual relationships. These issues may seem unrelated at first glance, but they share a common thread – the stigma surrounding conversations about physical pleasure and health.

The wife who wrote to “How to Do It” feels stuck in a situation where she’s tried everything to please her husband, but nothing seems to work. She hesitates to bring up his small penis size, not wanting to hurt his feelings or make him feel inadequate. Meanwhile, the woman who asked about sex toys during casual hookups is worried about trusting her partner’s cleanliness and wants to know if it’s okay to bring her own.

These letters represent a larger societal issue – our reluctance to discuss bodily autonomy and consent in intimate relationships. We’re so focused on achieving pleasure that we neglect communication, which is the foundation of any healthy relationship. By avoiding conversations about physical limitations, health concerns, or personal preferences, we create an environment where individuals feel ashamed, inadequate, or silenced.

Many people struggle with orgasm due to various reasons, including physical anatomy, mental health, or past experiences. Sex is not a one-size-fits-all solution; every individual has different needs and desires. By shying away from discussing these topics, we perpetuate the myth that there’s something inherently wrong with our bodies or relationships.

The advice offered in both columns – combining positions, using vibrators, and bringing one’s own sex toys – are valid solutions for individuals who face physical challenges. However, they also highlight the limitations of relying solely on external fixes rather than addressing underlying issues. The emphasis should be on open communication, mutual understanding, and respect for each other’s boundaries.

In a society where mental health discussions have become increasingly common, it’s surprising that we still struggle to talk about our physical needs and desires. By normalizing conversations around bodily autonomy, consent, and pleasure, we can create a more inclusive environment for everyone. It’s time to break down the taboos surrounding intimacy and start having open, honest discussions about what we want and need in our relationships.

The Gray Area of Health and Consent

When it comes to sex toys and casual hookups, trust is often placed on strangers without much consideration for potential risks. While most people are honest about their intentions and health, there’s always a chance that someone may not be forthcoming with information. Proactive measures like PrEP and doxy PEP can protect one’s health regardless of what others say.

In the case of sex toys, acknowledging that they can transmit STIs, even if used externally or internally, is essential. The risk is higher for porous materials like latex and some rubbers, which can retain bacteria. This is not about being a “germaphobe” or looking like a “neat freak”; it’s about taking responsibility for one’s health.

Redefining Pleasure and Consent

The wife who wrote to “How to Do It” feels guilty for using a vibrator during sex with her husband, as if she’s somehow failing him by relying on external help. This mindset is rooted in societal expectations around pleasure – the idea that women should be able to climax effortlessly, without any assistance.

It’s time to redefine what we consider “pleasurable” and acknowledge that it’s okay to need help sometimes. By recognizing that sex is not solely about physical gratification but also about emotional connection and intimacy, we can create a more inclusive understanding of pleasure.

Ultimately, consent is not just about saying yes or no; it’s about having open conversations about our needs, desires, and boundaries. Normalizing discussions around bodily autonomy will help us build stronger, healthier relationships based on mutual respect and understanding.